My journey has gone full circle.
In 2020, my therapist nudged at the idea that I might have trauma, and I shut that down pretty quick. A few months later, in EMDR, I heard my mom’s voice, in utero.
The screaming voice that filled my day turned quiet.
It would take six years for me to finally come back full circle to face it again. What shifted was the mindset that there’s a done. I literally worked at a company called Point B. What’s your goal? And how do we achieve it?
Me in 2020 - living the life
What’s different now is that I made some reps. I didn’t achieve anything. I didn’t level up, or found new skills. I took reps.
Reps that built the scaffolding so that I could reach the parts of myself that was buried too deep to be found.
In between then and now, I hit rock bottom, but I lied to the world. How are you doing? I’m doing great! Everything is fine.
But it wasn’t.
I was sneaking in fast food in between the dashes from event A to event B, juggling work at a startup, family life, and dabbling in crypto.
All my inner work wasn’t done because I wanted to be a better person. I was desperate. I couldn’t breathe, and I didn’t know how to. Even when I voice the need for help, it was squashed quickly. Get back in line. Keep going.
An unspoken goal of mine that I rarely shared was that my life goal was to stop and smell the roses before I die.
Stopping was death.
Stopping was violent.
Stopping was scary.
So many people along the way did help, offering a hand, offering a body, offering the space for me to wimper out a small breath.
Six years later, I can walk through the gauntlet of terror, anger/rage, sadness, and the immense grief and eventually find joy, to smell the rose.
Now, I’m sitting with this in the present moment, less seeking, and more being.
You’re right where you’re suppose to be
I never understood that. It was actually quite annoying. What do you mean? Make this better.
In hindsight, where you are, is just the step on your journey. The journey doesn’t end, it’s just the here and now.
Thank you for being here.
Let me know if I can help you, or just be with you.
You’re not alone.
