An explosive and charged 2025

I’m looking back at this year, and seeing how trapped I am into the cycle of this calendar. The world doesn’t rotate on a calendar, nor does anything in nature, yet in the 9-5, I’m on a regular mechanized rhythm. The hum of the machine is loud, so loud I barely hear my own heart beat.

At the beginning of the year, I revisited Fairbanks Alaska, to continue a second round of ketamine assisted psychotherapy with a group of soul travelers. It unlocked something in me, something that would take the rest of the year to understand, and perhaps the rest of my life to not understand it.

At the guidance of my ADHD coach, and the psychodrama work, I continued to see out community. It was hard to admit because in public, I created the appearance that everything was fine. On the socials, I have thousands of followers. And yet, when I sat at home, I was alone.

I practiced scrappy hospitality, inviting some newly made friends into my home, without preparing the space. My house was a disaster of clutter, and it was fine.

We’d end up hosting regular meals, just as our unfinished, unpolished selves.

Over time, I learned to start being softer on myself, bringing in objects to replace the physical human touched I needed.

My son grew into a fifth grader, and I managed to drop him off at school pretty much ever day I had him on my schedule. This was the year, when he stopped holding my hand to school, but in private spaces, he’d still reach out.

More and more, I learned to lean back onto things for support. My body slowly formed a new shape, not one of defeat, but one that deserved to be held, to be supported.

The year was full of business in my professional life. We made an attempt to launch a new FDA-cleared product, a surgical mask, into a world where masking was politicized.

And when my healing reached the peak of anger, rage, and masculinity, I joined a year long container on men’s initiation in Colorado.

There’s a lot more to unpack, lessons to share, and learnings to wrap into a bow. I’m sorry I haven’t been present here with you all, but I hope to try again after the holidays. I am coming into my own structure, and part of that is taking responsiblity for myself, and for sharing the gifts that have been given for me.

Thank you for those that subscribed to this newsletter and especially those that opted for the paid edition. I’m dropping a special part of my life below.